Jesus, I surrender, yesterday I was wrong, blind, weak...my heart was broken, You are my creator, please take my burden and create my heart into beauty again….

Jesus, I surrender, yesterday I was wrong, blind, weak...my heart was broken, You are my creator, please  take my burden and create my heart into beauty again….

Yesterday was the most emberassing, and saddest thing in life.  I do not know why am I too weak…  or how could this happen to me… *sigh* oh Lord, I even thought that God doesn’t care and love me.
I always be afraid if I see my parents fight, how many times they fight in the front of me ? many times. I’ve been so worried if ith will happen in my future, when I see it, it hurts my heart many times, so I decided I won’t be married with anyone. Even I thought I am not beautiful, nice girl, or someone perfect to the best one. How many time I feel that I am humility one. I was so ashemed, I hurt my beloved Jesus’ heart. I broken His heart.
At that day, I got many text message from my family

“ you are stupid, you just broke mom and dad, you made them fight”

“are you crazy Eva?!?!? What a hell you thinking of ?!?!, look what happened to this family”

“Hello, thank you for destroying us, you said you love God, where is that?!?!”

…. Tears…tears..and tears… I didn’t know what I should do, I had no idea, … my parents always fight and it most happen
Yeah…tears, broken heart, tears, broken heart… I was trying t let it go, who I need to talk with? God?! Oh I just hurt Him, my boyfriend?!  He is too far, he is busy, he might not be able understand my english, I could not expressed all things in my heart into English…

I thought I could email him, finally I wrote him telling him what I was feeling, that was what I felt. Without think that whether that email could hurt him…

But I think yes, he didn’t respond anything that I wrote, not sure he liked it or he was busy… forgive me Sean, I only want you to know my feeling at that time…

This is my life and this is reality…

I am not good one I think, Jesus, you don’t need to be proud of me … I can’t make Him smile all the times, I’ve been trying my best…

Will God forgive me…?

Or  Does He turns everything for good…?

Will He heal my heart…?

Open up my eyes…?

I don’t know how should I live mylife to Him, I read His word everyday, trying to be right for Him everyday, think of Him everyday…I only do these because I want Him be proud of me.
And I got nothing…
I never know where my my bus takes me? If this bus stop, do I need to out from the bus? Or I should waiting for the next destination… is the next destination better or worse?
Jesus… Jesus..Jesus I have put and always Your name in my heart… and how could I feel I can be precious again for You and people arround me?
I still love You, no matter what, no matter my bus takes me to wrong destination, I still love You and waiting for you.
I surrender…I surrender..I surrender…
Please create my heart into beauty again, and make me know that You love me.
Forgive me everyone…please..*begging*


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